I LOVE Life.
So incomprehensibly, so abyssally, that I barely have words for it.
I wake up every single morning with the same thought. Let's go, we don't know if it's the last one. And it's been like that for many years, maybe most of my life.
Except for one dark period lurking around my thirties that lasted a couple of years - came so close to killing me that I understand it today as precisely what I had to go through to become myself at all.
An incomprehensible gift of love wrapped as Darkness.
And her, standing next to me here, has one of the greatest shares in why I feel this way.
We met each other pretty battered, both of us, and immediately recognised something that wouldn't let go, even though nothing fit together at all. The gears ground against each other, grinding, wouldn't fall into place. And there, where most people would have drawn the sensible conclusion that this couldn't work, we decided the exact opposite. We went deeper.
Some way down that road we slowly began doing the opposite of everything we were told we should. The right thing. The sensible thing. The normal thing. The ordinary thing. Because there was something about the whole Signal we stood in the middle of, what culture and media sent into the living room morning and evening, that simply didn't make sense, and didn't lead at all to where we dreamed of going.
So we turned it off. Pulled the plug from the wall so the television couldn't even turn on. And then we began what you're increasingly told you shouldn't, practically mustn't, do.
We began mapping reality ourselves. Or. Doing our own research, as it's come to be called later.
We experimented with what did what, independent of what the experts on morning TV and the voices in evening debate programmes told us was Truth. About diet and exercise, about relationships and love, about health and sleep, about inner clarity, about creativity, about meaning, about direction and calm.
And then we failed. Again and again and again. But right there we discovered something strange, because every time we found out something didn't work, it opened a door further in to something that often did. So we just kept pressing into the Darkness to see what was hidden in everything we didn't know, instead of crawling back to the comfortable Signal where you just have to follow the Man on Television and his many experts.
It led us away from the flock. It was more often lonely than the opposite. And we lost connection to many people along the way, because on that journey the entire floor beneath our understanding began to shift, of ourselves and of the world, and thereby also of what is up and down, what is wrong, what is worth building on.
Many times we were about to give up, on each other too. Because some of what we dug up was about lies we were completely wrapped in, lies about sex and gender roles, about the masculine and the feminine, about attraction and polarity and desire, and about how many of our own dynamics were upside down and had to be learned from scratch with a completely different starting point than what we'd grown up with. And it was difficult, because it had to happen simultaneously, and because personality structures are stubborn asses that really only move when recognition has gone completely to the bottom.
But we tried to keep our eyes on the Light. On where we were heading. On what the price for the work was. On what the honest, and merciless, truth-seeking should lead to.
Freedom. Inside. Outside. Together.
Not liberation. Not tearing ourselves loose from something. But a deep experience of Freedom and a deep, connected Love at the same time, a desire for each other as what we were Created as when we came here, instead of the personas we'd learned to hide behind.
Over the years it led us into one of Humanity's oldest and deepest needs, one our time tries in every way to cut us off from, by laying a layer of ridicule and suspicion over it, and letting it be understood that you're probably a bit simple, a bit less intelligent, if you even dare explore what precisely this deepest of all subjects has to give a human being.
Faith.
And once we jumped in the deep end, we found the missing piece that a thousand books and endless courses in mental models and coaching and personality typologies and archetypes and shadow work had never been able to hand us.
God.
And it turned our entire shared world upside down. Like waking up in the middle of a Mystery, where reality had to be recalibrated, understood anew, learned anew, a work we're still trying to grasp the scope of to this day, and where the strange thing is just that the deeper we dig, the more meaningfulness fills Life and the completely ordinary everyday.
We've walked that journey together for twenty years come autumn.
And it's not one I expect we'll finish in this life.
❤️🔥🪽
The photo is from yesterday's first summer party, where spirits were high, food was good, drinks were cold, weather was warm, pool was pleasant, sauna was glowing, and the night ended in the biggest thunderclap I've ever heard, one that took all the power in the whole house.
So to you who are in your late twenties or early thirties, as we were when we met each other.
Life doesn't have to become what the Machine draws for you. It's not given, and it's written nowhere that it must end in mute, boredom or melancholy because you, like us, are in your early fifties.
Life is there to become deeper with the years, not necessarily easier, but deeper. Notice whether you're on a course that does that to you.
We're driving hard all the way to the end, not for the tempo itself, but because we finally found out what was worth driving for. Something that's possible for anyone.
Will you join?
