I've tried to gather every point from my inner "if only..." lists.
The ones I've carried around through life.
I do it in the hope that they might serve as a small terror and warning - for anyone who might be tangled in the same confusion I was -
The illusion that something outside me must change first, before I'm allowed to feel good inside.
Here they are.
More or less sorted.
....
If only I were thinner.
If only I were stronger.
If only I were more beautiful.
If only I looked younger.
If only I were taller.
If only my skin were perfect.
If only I had nicer teeth.
If only I had better style.
If only I could get that operation.
If only I earned more money.
If only I got exactly that job.
If only my business succeeded.
If only I got a promotion.
If only I were recognized by the industry.
If only I had financial freedom.
If only I found my passion.
If only I had better networks.
If only I found the right partner.
If only my partner would change.
If only my parents had treated me differently.
If only my children behaved properly.
If only my friends understood me.
If only people around me supported me more.
If only my ex had never hurt me.
If only I hadn't been an idiot and hurt all those people.
If only I were as talented as him.
If only I were as charismatic as her.
If only I were more disciplined.
If only I were born into a different family.
If only I'd had better opportunities.
If only I had a different temperament.
If only I weren't so sensitive.
If only I were braver.
If only I hadn't made those mistakes.
If only I had listened to myself back then.
If only I hadn't lost that person.
If only I had chosen a different path.
If only I had said something.
If only I hadn't said something.
If only I just get through this phase.
If only I finish this project.
If only this problem resolves itself.
If only I just get control of the next thing.
If only I get more time.
If only I didn't feel anxiety.
If only I didn't get hurt so easily.
If only I didn't doubt myself.
If only I didn't overthink so much.
If only I could let go of the worries.
If only I knew what the meaning is.
If only I had a clear calling.
If only I had more faith.
If only God gave me a sign.
If only the universe showed me the way.
If only we had a different government.
If only the tax burden were lower.
If only it were more like Switzerland here...
... If only reality suited me better...
THEN I could finally find peace.
I've lived in those sentences.
Inside those stories.
Not all at once, but as an eternal project my brain kept producing - almost on demand.
As if it were programmed to constantly invent new "if only..." obstacles between me and life.
I believed that if only I could get the external to fall into place, then the internal would settle.
Part of me wanted to control everything - my appearance, my finances, my surroundings, my future. I believed that peace inside was something you achieve when you finally get control of the external.
But what I thought was a goal was actually a prison.
Because every time I reached an "if only...", another one just appeared.
What . the . f .?
And because I believed the cause lay out there,
I kept myself trapped in here.
The most brutal thing about these thoughts, for most of us, is that they sound so sensible. So logical. So rational.
"I just want to get control of this - THEN afterwards I can LIVE."
But.
Afterwards - never comes.
While this was dawning on me in the mid-2000s - and I had my gaze turned inward - a new variation of the illusion entered the culture.
The modern version.
If only no one disagreed with me.
If only I were protected from discomfort.
If only people used the right words.
If only the world changed language so I wouldn't be triggered.
If only no one said anything that challenged my self-understanding.
If only feelings could define reality.
If only everyone acknowledged my subjective truth.
If only society built a softer space for me.
If only everything became safe, then I would finally be whole.
These even installed through institutions, universities, media, parliament members - and yes, that whole wave of "self-development experts" I actually expected would themselves work to dissolve the illusion for themselves, but who now think "if only the men...", "if only the women...", "if only the structures..." und so weitere...
Because it's the same mechanism.
The same escape from responsibility.
The same dream that the world should change - so I don't have to.
It took me a long time to understand that I wasn't suffering because the world was wrong.
I was suffering because I was fighting against what is.
It wasn't reality that hurt. It was my resistance to it.
It became quiet in me, the day I REALLY discovered - experienced - that.
That it's not my job to force the world to fall into place so I can find peace.
It's my job to find peace so I can meet the world.
Because that's the illusion.
To live in struggle against myself, against others, against reality.
Instead of living in surrender.
Not as resignation.
But as FREEDOM.
I once believed that strength was being able to control everything.
Now I understand that real strength is being able to stand in what is - without fleeing from it.
Not "if only".
But "here".
Not even "one day".
But now.
Let's help the next generation release that veil that culture has unfortunately pressed down in front of their eyes, so they don't anchor mine - or new idiotic - lists forward.
❤️🔥🪽
...
And just for good order.
This is not a manifesto against striving.
It's not an argument for passivity or a rejection of ambition, discipline, or dreams.
I believe in moving forward.
I believe in creating.
I believe in striving for the better.
Much can be wrong that you should correctly orient yourself toward, handle, and get control of.
But I've learned one thing -
There is an order in everything.
Collapse in the external is a sign that something internal needs to be corrected.
When I strive from lack, fear, or self-contempt, everything becomes hard, heavy, and never enough.
When I strive from calm, clarity, and inner order,
the movement becomes light - almost like a natural law.
That's the difference between running away from yourself
and moving toward what you actually long for.
This isn't about stopping wanting something.
It's about discovering FROM WHERE we want it.
Inner first.
External after.
❤️
